The Hideousness that is my morning! (Double Whammy!)

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! is the only thing I can say as I run my fingers through my hair, in desperation! What a morning! And it's not even 9:00 am!

First of all, I could NOT fall asleep last night. I think part of it was that I think I am getting a cold, and I couldn't breath very well. I tossed and turned until about 1:30 before I decided that this was ridiculous, why stay in bed? So I got on the computer, blog stalked, and other various things. I went back to bed and just layed there, begging the Sand Man to sprinkle me with fairy dust or whatever it is he does. The last time I looked at the clock, it was well past 4:00 am. FINALLY! The sweet slumber of sleep! I vaguely remember Matt kissing me goodbye. Then came the crying. (No, not Matt) That blasted baby monitor! I could hear Denver whining. Soon a full fledged cry erupted. I begrudgingly stumbled in a little after 8:00. By his cry, I could tell that he had taken his diaper off, again. I had no idea what was about to transpire! I opened his door and was slapped in the face by the stench of ......um........unpleasantness. DENVER GRAYSON SMITH!!! Oh yes, the full name was definitely in order!

Not only was his dirty diaper off, it was on the floor. And he had touched it. (eeewwwww) And it was not only on his hands, oh no. I was lucky enough to have walked into a freaking free for all. It was in his bed. On at least 2 blankets. On his crib rails. It was still on his behind. It was IN HIS HAIR!! It was FREAKING IN HIS HAIR!!!!! Do you hear me?!?! He had grabbed it and then played with his hair!!! It was not a bit of a smudge either, it was a clump of nastiness stuck and caked IN HIS HAIR!!! (I think I just threw up a little just reminiscing.)

After the obvious cursing (in my head) and desperate pleas and threats, I carefully put him on the changing table, only to discover that the dry, caked on stickiness was a bigger job than a few baby wipes could handle. I whisked him into the bathroom to wash him off.

Okay, what normally happens when you turn the faucet at your house? Water comes out, right? Ummm...not so much. After a short blast of sputtering water, it stopped! Yes, it stopped! NNNOOO!!!!! I tried the bathtub. No luck. I stood him in the tub and told him to stay put as I ran around the house frantically checking every faucet we have! (because it couldn't possibly be all of them)

Mind you, I am not good in a crisis. I always think I will be calm and level headed and know just what to do. But it never really quite works out that way. I become hysterical. So if any of you are thinking that if you are in the middle of a catastrophe, and you can just call me and I will kiss it and make it all better, I am just letting you know that in my heart I would love to be the calm and collected helper, and bend to your every need, but the reality is, I will most likely freak out.

Back to the water. (or lack there of) I grabbed the phone to call Matt and ask him why he had turned off the water. As I was dialing, I thought that maybe some prankster had turned it off during the wee hours of the morning. While I waited for the ringing on the other end of the phone, I had a thought. I grabbed my robe and went to the front door. The ringing began as I opened the door, where I found a note stating that indeed a prankster had turned off the water. It was signed by the water company! Well those dirty rotten...!!! Of all the crappy mornings!!! (literally) I can't believe they would actually turn off my water! Don't they know that I have kids! Aren't they mind readers?!?! Don't they know what has become of my morning?! Don't they know that I need my water?!? With no warning!!!

(Okay, in all honesty, there is probably a bill in the mailbox, which I have failed to check in probably the last 3 weeks. Our mail has probably been returned to the post office by now.) It really was an honest mistake, I sincerely thought that I had paid that bill. Actually, I had, but when I scheduled the online payment, I couldn't find the actual bill, so I paid what I thought was due. Apparently, I was wrong. If they had knocked on the door before proceeding with such a drastic measure, I would have gladly given them a check! Or at the very least, I would have been able to assess the situation earlier, and have them just give me 5 minutes to wash the nastiness off of my child!

Matt answered and I began my hysterical rant, aggravated by the fact that I have had only 4 hours sleep, and I don't feel well. I don't even remember what I said, but by this point I was crying. He mentioned something about the neighbor's hose. I gave him the number to the water company and went to gather supplies, and my now naked offspring, who had managed himself out of the tub, and was now streaking through the living room. (please don't sit down!!)

I had Amberlyn find me a towel as I drug (dragged?) the end of the neighbor's hose through our back fence. I hosed the child, lathered him with antibacterial soap, and scrubbed him down. He howled from the cold hose, made worse by the good breeze we had going. I rinsed and dried him, wrapped him snugly in the towel, and carried him back into the house, wailing at him to please stop taking his diaper off!

I got him dressed and Matt called back to say that it was taken care of and the water would be turned back on sometime today. At their convenience. Please, oh please come soon! I have blankets to wash, teeth to brush, toilets to flush, hands to wash, a shower to take.....

Denver just poured RED Powerade on the carpet. And I have no water to clean it up with. Yes, I am crying again.

I need a Dr. Pepper.
Copious amounts of Dr. Pepper.
And a truckload of chocolate.